You enter a spacious and well lit bedroom. Beside the bed there's an old desk where a diary is sitting open. On the other side there's a vanity table with two mirrors hanging on the wall.

14/04/2024

I am ...

A hornet's nest.
St. John's wort blooming in June.
She who burnt herself on a stake.
A shrike, executioner and victim.
An anemone swaying with the current.
And the burning sands of August.

03/04/2024

Fragments from two dreams:

I lie down in my bed, covered from head to toe by heavy bedsheets.
I'm not alone, serpents are slithering around.
A corpse is right next to me, I can't see it or smell it or feel it but I perceive the rotting skeletal remains.

Prince charming is confessing his undying love towards his beloved, she's happy but unnerved by a severed head staring at her back from a balcony not so far away.

15/03/2024

How silly, I thought things would change for the best. But there's no escape from the staleness of these four walls.

I'll forever be watching the life of humanity unfold before my eyes and never be able to be part of it.

07/01/2024

Fragments of a dream:

Venus herself is standing naked wearing only a pair of black kitten heels. Beautiful and imperious, she's bossing around a equally naked satyr.
He's handsome, but his features are soft and almost naive.
She outstretches her left arm, blood drips from her hand as if she had crushed something. Looking closely, an arrow and a bow are poking out from her slender fingers.
She shouts angrily, something about love.

I'm looking at the scenes entranced and curious, an invisible pale arm sits on my waist and a gentle, inviting voice is promising me pleasures out of this reality.

15/12/2023

When I'll finally be free of this eternal shell, I want to be reborn without the worms that rot my heart.

13/12/2023

Tell me, my sorrow, my black grief,
Inseparable companion of my life
From wich day or where from,
By what accident did you encounter me?

Havhannes Tumanyan

12/12/2023

I'm an empty husk sometimes filled with unidentified feelings.
How I envy that warm smile and the dimples it creates.
How I envy that softness in your voice, so charming and natural.
How I envy that openness you naturally own.

It doesn't matter how hard I try to emulate it, it can't be mine. Like skin that stretches on a skeleton made of dried wood, it doesn't belong to me and it will never be mine. It's there but not quite, it's wrong and uncanny.
It hurts, deaf, as it splits showing the void I don't even dare to name human.

How does it feel to be a person?

11/12/2023


Fragments of a dream:

An unusual monastery, the same church with the same foreign faces that smile and stare as they pray. Who are you people? Why do I only recognize one?
"A devil, you're a devil!". Am I a demon? Do demons go to church to pray?

A daughter. "Did you know that you have to bury babies in the ground? It helps them grow their roots".
She's mine, or so it seems, and she smiles while her body is buried in the ground. Beautiful golden eyes staring joyously and a smile too big for a child so young.
"No baby, you can't go, you have to lay in the earth or your roots won't grow!".

The air is chilly and unnervingly still, the oaks moan.

30/10/2023

Hooray! I've finally found the time (and the strenght) to update my little wepage. I've missed neocities and my mutuals so much during these two months! The lessons at conservatoire have started a lot earlier than expected and the second year is usually the hardest one in terms of both schedule and subjects. I find it pretty draining at times, but I love music and it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Many things have happened during these months - some happy and some sad - and I can tell that I've changed as a person: I feel like I don't have a lot of patience anymore, or maybe I've matured and I have finally learned to seat boundaries with people.
But that's a story for another time!



Anyways, let's talk about something fun:
On Saturday I went to my friend Foxy's Birthday-but-also-Halloween party. I went earlier to her house and I helped her making cupcakes (peanut butter and jelly flavored, very yummy!) and cookies for the other guests, while two of our friends made pizza from scratch. Foxy is quite the hostess and decorated her home with flying candles and creepy spiders, the atmosphere was quite spooky but laid back. Of course we all wore costumes! I didn't have much time to sew one so I decided to use something I could find in my closet and asked Foxy if she could lend me some of her alt accessories and she also helped me making a pair of demon horns with EVA foam. Can you guess what I dressed up as?

3 ... 2 ... 1 ... a succubus!

Please don't think badly of me, I promise that my costume was still tasteful.

The party went very well! We sang *all* of the silly songs, we took lots of pictures and played tabletop games. My friends also asked me if I could give each one of them a tarot reading, luckily the future seems very bright for everyone! We also watched the lunar eclipse, it was quite an eventful night.
I'm very happy to have found a friend group, I've always been a solitary person but it feels good to have someone to have fun with once in a while. It feels nice to know that there are many people who care about me and enjoy spending their time with me. I hope it will last, maybe - just maybe, I don't want to jinx it - life is getting better for little Marija.



More random life updates: I was invited to play in a D&D campaign that it's still going on strong even after two months. This time too I'm playing a wizard, mostly because I'm lazy and I dind't want to learn new rules for a different class *hehehe*. The DM is very good at his job and the other players always end up creating fun situations to roleplay.

That's all for today, have a good day traveler! And see you soon!

All the cute halloween graphics I've used
in this diary entry are from Sakura Dreams!

14/08/2023

Today I went to my aunt's house to help her make tomato sauce. I couldn't say no to her because she is elderly and then I thought I could use a day in the countryside. When I arrived I was greeted by a surprise: a new kitten! So not only did I make some delicious sauce, but I also played with an adorable kitty. He's a boy and nobody knows where he came from, I just hope there won't be any problems with the other adult cat ...

Kitty!

12/08/2023

Today I finally went to the beach, the weather was very nice but the water was very cold! It seems like my secret spot is not that secret anymore because it's getting more crowded by each year. I admit I'm a little jealous, but what makes me angry is the rudeness of people: this beach has some closed protected areas where Charadrius alexandrinus make their nests. And what do (some) tourists do? They go there, ignoring the warnings, and put their stupid tents and (often more than one) umbrella anyway. It's not even that nice fo a spot, it's filled with shrubs and far away from the water. I don't get it!

Anyway: I went for a long walk, collected lots of cuttlefish bones for my budgie and also some empty ray eggs (where I'm from we call them 'Mermaid's wallets', how cute is that?). This time I did not collect shells or pebbles: for some reason I felt a strange sense of guilt in doing so, as if those little jewels of the sea were not for me today. I don't know what I will do with the Mermaid's Wallets, I will probably keep them with me and look at them from time to time until I feel the need to take them back to the beach where I found them. I will never throw them in the rubbish, it seems ... disrespectful? I know they are just empty fish eggs, but for me everything I pick up on the beach is like a gift from the sea itself. It seems more correct to me to return them to where they were given to us. Or maybe I've finally gone mad...


The treasures I've brought back home today ...

03/08/2023

A quiet room, the soft light of dawn filtering through the shades, exchanges of soft kisses on each other's cheek. Not on the lips, never on the lips, that would be too much. An hazard. Just near, but even on the corner of a smile is a risk. So you go, flustered. The both of us.

How silly they are, dreams about love.

02/08/2023




Ou que j'aille, des fous, des chimeres
Ou que j'aille, les ombres d'hier
Quand je vascille, quand j'ai trop mal
Je demande de l'aide a la fille du miroir

Elle dit
"C'est un grain de sable, une goutte de pluie
Comme une etincelle, un feu qui brule a l'infini"
L'amour, c'est ce qu'elle dit
Ce petit detail qui manque dans nos vies
Un rayon de miel, un feu qui brule a l'infini

Cecile Corbel, La Fille du Miroir

On July 25, Pinocchio took flight and joined the other swifts on their journey to warmer lands. It was very exciting to watch him glide over the air currents and the plains. I cannot deny that I miss his chirps and having to feed him every hour, he was so sweet and fluffy. I miss him. Wherever you are, Pinocchio, I hope you are well.

Two days ago I took a walk through the village and witnessed a somewhat funny scene: three little boys of perhaps less than 10 years old sitting on the steps of a house and in the blazing sun, animatedly discussing the existence of God. it was so interesting to hear a small piece of that animated discussion expressed in the tones of a child! I like to walk around and catch a glimpse of these "moments," they help to remember that you are not the only one living. it is a strange thing to say, but we often forget that we are not the only ones who experience life, who have a consciousness. The world keeps turning even when it is not in front of our eyes.

22/07/2023

Isn't it sad? I can't be myself because someone may mistake my friendliness for interest. Why? And I don't like to be touched, but you always have to. Because you can't "control yourself", because "it's in your dna". You've never asked, you never ask. As if I'm already yours. But I'm not yours and I'll never be, because I'm no one's. I am of myself. I am myself, and there are limits no man should cross. Leave me, let me be.

21/07/2023

Today I woke up with a beautiful summer weather: hints of fresh gray clouds in the sky announcing rain, the birds sing their songs, cicadas serenade the world and I even saw two hawks patrolling the plains!
This month was a quite gloomy, but life can't always be bright, right? I don't want to bore any of you with my problems, so I'm going to write about some nice things that have happened to me during this time:
Firstly, I saw four live sea hares for the first time! I always see them stranded dead on the beach, so it was truly a magical experience to me. They're so beautiful, they look like sea fairies. With them I also saw a bunch of gorgeous bioluminescent jellyfishes, what a sight!
Then two weeks ago I found a young swallow on the ground and I'm currently taking care of it. I know I should've left it on the ground, but many rats and cats roam around here, and I was afraid they'd hurt the little bird. I named it Pinocchio! It has grown into a beautiful bird, and in a few days it should be strong enough to take flight and join the others in their travel towards warmer lands.
Now that I'm feeling a little better I think I'm going to make some clothes for myself, I have a lot of unused fabrics and many ideas. I don't know if it's just me, but recently I can't seem to find decent clothes that aren't made of itchy synthetic fabric! I'd kill for a dress made of linen for the summer.
Well that's all for today, I have to feed Pinocchio ... see you soon!

02/06/2023

"Ah, que nao seja meu
O mundo onde o amor morreu"

01/06/2023

It's a strange feeling, being noticed after years spent being invisible.
Tell me nightingale, do you really like me?

31/05/2023

I had a refreshing afternoon nap today, I really needed one! I dreamed of friends, swans and the little town nearby.

When I dream of the little town it has houses with endless stairs, the air is peaceful, giant trees make secret alcoves and in an abandoned church there's a beautiful waterfall and swans and penguins live in it. In the dream I held someone's hand so I could show them the beautiful place. I took some pictures of the birds, then I noticed there was an owl sitting on a high point of the ruins and was staring us. The air felt fresh and you could hear the sound of water splashing.

15/05/2023


Listening to: Chopin's Nocturne in F minor, Op.55 No.1

Exactly one month ago I wrote this on my diary:
"I know this is very selfish of me, but I wish this cold and rain would last a few more days. I feel less lonely when thunder's in the air."
Well, a month has passed and it hasn't stopped raining since. I'm tired of it now. It doesn't feel like May. I wake up and it's like we're still in November, the month I hate the most. If the rain doesn't stop the lavender flowers this year won't be fragrant and I won't be able to make salves and solid perfumes.
I thought I'd have more free time in May and June, but it seems I'll be very busy until the end of July. I love what I'm currently studying but sometimes I just can't keep up with the amount of stuff I have to study. I don't have enough time to do everything and decently. I can't wait to have more free time so I can make gifts for my friends, I already have some ideas: a frog tote bag for my dear G, a cold porcelain statuette of M's favorite character and a fairy-in-a-jar lamp for F. I'm so excited!

The pros of a rainy day:
  • Unbothered cute little snails
  • The smell of wet grass

The cons of a rainy day:
  • Soggy shoes

10/04/2023


Happy Easter!


Or should I say "Belated Happy Easter"? It's past midnight right now in my little house near the beach... oh well, nevermind. For me today was a day like any other, I didn't do much and no one came to visit. The most exciting part of my day was starting a new game of Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura, I've made another male mage but this time I'm starting with the beauty stat at maximum. I've also learned how to make custom portraits as I would like to draw my own one of these days!
On Saturday afternoon I went to the cinema to see the new Super Mario Bros movie with some friends. To be honest I didn't like it at all, it had too much fan service for my taste. I also can't be the only one who would have accepted Bowser's marriage proposal right? ... r-right? Bad movie aside, I had lots of fun anywas. It's nice to go outside once in a while, we even discussed about starting a new D&D campaign or restarting the last one. I miss my silly mage who's too smart for his own good!

I'm getting sleepy now, I'd better go to sleep ... goodnight traveler!

03/04/2023


I got so envious of another person today. Do you ever see someone and think "oh, they're truly a real person!" and then you look at yourself and feel like an empty desiccated shark egg on the beach at noon?

02/04/2023


Sometimes I wish humans were nocturnal animals instead of diurnal ... my head gets clearer and more active at night. I wish I could play the piano at this hour.